Letters from the Order

A letter from my mother in Malaysia to my brothers in the U.S. reporting on me.

Jan 22, 1974 (I am 9 years old)

Greetings in the name of our lord Jesus Christ!

….Last February during Joe Mathews visit Ray stayed in the Singapore House with us & and though he had permission not to do so, he chose to stay and drink in every word of JWM’s address to the grad meeting. People in the house and the school and of course Betty in the Hostel continued to praise Ray for being a fine little man. Betty was really gratified because he was the only one who would go willingly with her to Sunday morning church. There were several outward signs to the contrary but I didn’t read them, and thought Ray was living a very comfortable naïve life. During the summer holiday’s he repeatedly pleaded not to return to the Hostel and finally to make a long story short, I took responsibility to transfer him to the International School in KL for he would be in the same Individual Guidance Educational Class that he seemed to be doing so well in Singapore and there was a family at the KL house who were glad to have him.

Since we desperately needed another Order family here, last quarter I just stayed on and went to Seremban for Sunday. Ray usually stayed here the whole time. I began to see changes in him.

Once in November late, he was sick for three days, and he slowly began to talk of the horror that Hostel life in Singapore had become for him, the older ones teaching him about sex including pornography, and his final sigh, “Well I don’t know if I’ll wait for marriage to have sex”… he told of smoking, of the way they would choose one of the students to “get religion on Sat night” just to please Mrs. Sneed… and his summary was “so mother, if you had left me there I would have quickly become just like the older boys.”

In mid November, as I became more distracted with the house, I was so glad that he had found a friend, same class, same bus, and lives near here. They would spend hours at the lake garden until they finally stayed too late one night and the mother put a stop too their friendship. They had been stealing from the shops as well as meeting with young rich Chinese boys in the gardens… this was evident in Ray’s unhappiness at home and he began to confide in me also.

Then at school he was tested and found to have a learning disability that probably started in the home and being made to feel unworthy, and is now fed at school for he is the poorest and slowest in handwriting in the class and he compares himself to others and becomes worse. He is not lazy, or unable to comprehend, his reading level is very high, and his hearing and visual comprehension is excellent for his age, its only transferring it from head to paper. 

Letters from the Student House 1976-1978

Letters from Bannanarias Brazil 

Bannanarias Brazil, (I just turned 14.)

December 22, 1978 

Dear Mom,

I am sorry about the Last letter but the transaction was done in a hurry. I had written to you but had not mailed it because of laziness and because I hadn’t wanted to spend money right then. But then Jim said we all had to write a letter before we could get our stipends. And since Jim had to go into town I rummaged through my stuff and got out that letter. But now I have set down to write seriously.

It is two days before Christmas. It is almost three months since I have arrived back here and I want out. I am quite sorry I chose to come back. I think I can last another three months but that’s about all. Let me give you a description why.

Bananarias is set in a valley surrounded on three sides by mountains. The people here are considered mountain people. Very stubborn and ignorant. All they want to do is to make enough money to feed their families which rank from seven to twelve kids. This makes it hard for them and they don’t see how anything we do could help change that lifestyle. They are too stubborn to take responsibility to pick up their lives and move with it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate the people. They are very friendly and kind to us. I wouldn’t even mind settling down with them. But while they react this way it is very hard on the project and our work.

This results in frustration amongst the adults and the only way to take the frustration out is by using each other for bats. The days are filled with one argument after another and it is very hard to live in a corporate body like the Order when feelings are like that.

And it is very hard on us youth. They call on us to act like adults but how can we when they treat us like kids. For one thing we have to be in the house by 5:50 and we have to go wherever the adults go.

I realize that I am in the rebellious stage of my life and that pretty soon the youth are going to explode. I don’t want to be here when that happens because it will only result in a worse living situation for everyone.

Dad has written me and asked if I would like to visit him and I wrote back a five page letter (the first in two years) saying I would . I talked this ove with Jim because dad had written him also and Jim said the decision was up to you and the Order.

So now I am writing you saying I have made up my mind I would like to Malaysia for three reasons. (1) To get out of the project. (2) To see dad. (3) To see Malaysia for what might be my last time.

I have taken up a saying, “Count everything you do as if it were your last act on earth.” This makes me even more anxious for a change. I have also initiated one fo my own sayings to keep me through these months. “Life is going, going gone. Theres no place to hide. Just go on and on and on.” I tried to write a song but that didn’t work out.

I am ready to leave. I am getting very mad with myself and at my colleagues. I am going mad. I had broken off from writing to you because we were going to Rio for Discontinuity. But I am back now and can’t stand it. Everybody is yelling at every body.

I think I am learning too much about life for my own age. I am very seriously thinking about my life and its affect on others and my self, and which direction I want to lead my life to. I have decided the order is not for me. I am in a sense a loner. I don’t cope with the corporate body of the institute. I realize I have a very short time on earth and it makes me anxious to break out and live my own life.

I don’t mind going to daily office, but when I don’t say the words right, Jim would turn around and hit me. I feel the order is pushing my life in their direction that they want.

They say it is your decision to live the life you have. But how Can I live it when I don’t like what their handing me. They take the decision right out of me and into heir own hands.

When dad sent the letter saying he would like to see me to Jim, he talked to me and said the decision is up to the Order and your mother.” The Order is ruling my life when I just want to be me. I sure hope you don’t hold that against me but I want to live my whole life by my self.

Please send your comments and if you could your wisdom in working this out. I want to leave, so if you decide that what’s good for me then plaease could you begin working out something.

I am not sorry to have come back, but I have learned enough. And enough is enough.

Love, Ray, your son. 

Bannanarias Brazil,  (I am 14 years old)

spring 1979

Dear Mommy

Do you remember when the last time was when I called you mommy? I sure can’t, but I try to remember the things that have happened back then.

I can’t remember where I heard this quote, but it went something like “Remember your past to plan your future.” Have you ever heard or read that?

Any way, how are you since you last wrote a letter to me? I am doing OK in the physical sense of meaning. I now stand quite small at 5 foot 11 inches. I am pretty skinny, but I eat like a hog. We get good food down here but we have rice and beans four times a week for lunch. But the meals only hold me for about three hours.

I don’t know if I told you this in my past letters, but I am smoking right now, trying to keep under seven cigarettes a day. All the youth smoke down here and the prior accepts it and there are no guilty feelings.

Any way it’s my internal state of being that is presently my worry. I have become very muddled up in my thinking and have started to think weird things.

But I am trying to get my life sorted out.

One of the things I’m thinking of is this traveling business to dad’s place. Thank you for your letter to Jim because this helped our talk a lot.

Jim didn’t want me to leave before the end of the year whereas I wanted to leave around the middle of May so I could spend six weeks at dads house. Any way, he preached to me about all this stuff about corporate - ness and things and ended the talk by suggesting I think about it and talk again later.

Then I received my school test scores back and found I have to do six tests over again, so I have eleven tests left to do.

So I changed my thinking again.

My plans are: 1) I want to spend at least four weeks with dad. 2) I wanted to be in Chicago for the summer program 3) I wanted to go to that reunion you wrote me about.

And on top of this I have six weeks to finish my school work. So I made out a timeline where I can finish my work in six weeks which would be in the middle of May (Jim said we can’t use any more corporate time to finish my school work)

This really shocked me back to my senses. I thought I was doing pretty good in school but it looks like I was hurrying too much. So I have decided to take my schooling seriously.

And also the auxiliary is in a lot of confusion with the upcoming ITI’s, town meeting, youth forum, women’s forum, development and so on.

So I reconstructed my plans to look like this. I would stay in Bannanaris till two weeks before the youth are assigned to leave (Jim said this is the end of June) Then I would spend four weeks in Malaysia or six. Fly to Chicago to catch the end of the summer, then do what ever the family plans to do for August.

I presented this to Jim Cambell, and he said OK. So now it is really up to dad. He wrote me and I think he said he was ready to finance it. I wrote back to him two months ago presenting my plan. But I haven’t received a letter back yet. Right after this I’m going to write him again.

Now about what I have been doing here.

I have done two youth forums, one in Rio De Janeiro and one here in Banana land. They were both great forums and the youth very receptive. I think we might be doing another one in a couple of weeks in another small town.

I am working on beautification which mainly revolves around sweeping the streets.

I feel that I am not much help around here but am ready to stay if I have to.

Please write back and say your mind on the world.

Love, Reinard Duane Knutsen

PS. If you could and truly would

I need money pretty bad. My financial thing is I get five dollars a month for savings. And before I leave I need a pair of shoes and stuff. So any contribution from you towards that would be very helpful and thankful. I need around $15 but twenty wouldn’t be too much. But if not I understand and won’t think any thing of it.