Thankful: a journey

Started on Thanksgiving Day 1987, edited and added to on 24th birthday 1988 and 56th birthday 2020.

I cried this morning. A cry of loneliness, confusion and seemingly total despair. No burning tears fell from my eyes and no anguished sobs shook my body, yet it was a real cry, an inner cry. And through the steady stream of my unseen tears, I asked myself, “What have I to be thankful for?”

With my soul as luggage, and my mind the train, I took a journey this morning. A quest. Deep within the Sacred Place of My Heart. And looking out the windows of my memories, stained by the steady stream of my unseen tears, I asked myself, “What have I to be thankful for?”

In my life I have felt the pain and confusion of a broken family. The longing for parents no longer there because of a twisted and injudicious understanding of religious responsibility; for brothers, dispersed by universal winds, I hardly knew. I was abandoned, lost in an often-abusive world of befuddled children in the care of manipulative, sometimes violent, strangers, striving to comprehend this dream life. I experienced the desolate empathy of a young man trying to understand the sometimes-hypocritical hopelessness of human relationships, and the frantic bewilderment of an addict searching for a way to fill the emptiness. And through the steady stream of my unseen tears, I asked myself, “What have I to be thankful for?”

In my life I have lived with both the poor and rich. I have participated in the injustice of a world where some eat wastefully, while outside there is the desperate cry of hunger. I have watched the scornful laughter of those who should know better, while across the street children starved. I have sat warm, with false contentment, while others huddle, cold and shelterless, in cities of ridiculous abundance. I have come of age in a global society dictated by greed, mistrust, open hatred, and needless war. I have grown to adulthood in an era where in the name of peace missiles stand poised to begin the destruction of all that we know. I have felt the pain of our one true Mother, Gia, the Earth, as she suffers from seemingly unstoppable pollution and ecological poisoning. And through the steady stream of my unseen tears, I asked myself, “What have I to be thankful for?”

In my life I have found my community: a loose, spiraling circle of family and friends that stretch across the country and earth. Some I know closely and some I don’t know at all, yet we are bonded by our determined commitment to stop the destruction of our Mother Earth and struggle, as best as we can, for justice and peace. Because of this commitment we live on the fringes of society, always looking in on the charade of modern culture. We struggle with despair, hope, and courage; always under the relentless corporate siege against existence for all. And through the steady stream of my unseen tears, I asked myself, “What have I to be thankful for?”

In my life I have experienced the deep joy of finding someone, in the turmoil of daily existence, to journey with and share myself fully, willingly, and uncompromisingly. I have experienced the deep primordial dancing delight in helping to create a family and finding a sense of belonging to someone and unconditional love for the first time. And then, after the agonizing labor and pain of a birth that seemed to last forever, I finally, lovingly, and with complete profound awe, held the wonder and mystery of a new life energy in my hands; my precious daughter, my prayer of hope for the future. And through the steady stream of my unseen tears, I whispered to myself, “I have so much to be thankful for!”

In my life I am fearfully conscious of the enormous responsibility I have towards my daughter as she blossoms into the woman she will be, and in trying to keep our family safe against the ominous backdrop of: an irreversible, man-made, climate crisis that threatens all life; a global pandemic that exposes the failure of capitalism and erases national boundaries; increasing national and international political and economic chaos and strife which benefits the 1%, who are making more profit than ever off of the misery of others; growing tension among corporations masquerading as countries, fighting for dwindling resources and hastening a world wide migration of people struggling for survival. As I enter my middle age, I find myself struggling through each day with an excruciating disability that often fills my head with flaming embers of fluctuating, throbbing, pulsating pain; leaving me unable to work, feeling cast aside like a used wrapper, a shell of who I once was. And through the steady stream of my unseen tears, I ask myself, “What have I to be thankful for?”

In my life I have passed through the total spectrum of human emotions. I have cried. I have laughed. I have hated. I have loved. I have been lonely. I have celebrated friendship. I have despaired. I have rejoiced. I have hurt others. Others have hurt me. I have experienced the power of forgiveness. I have been afraid. I have been fearless. I have run away from myself. I have learned to accept myself. I have been greedy. I have felt the warmth of sharing. I have fantasized about death. I have found the faith to embrace my own life. Still, through the steady stream of my unseen tears, I ask myself, “What have I to be thankful for?”

I took a journey this morning, deep within the sacred place, my Heart. And looking out of the tear stained windows of my memories, I saw my life. It covered many hills and valleys. But no matter how deep the valley, there was always a hill I had climbed to rise above where I had been. And in the misty distance of my uncreated future, I saw an endless chain of hills and valleys rising slowly higher and higher to the mountain peaks beyond. I saw that I have traveled a long way and that I have even farther to go. Suddenly, I realized that on my journey; I have learned, I have grown, I have lived. And in living, with all of its ups and downs, by striving to climb those hills, I have touched the basic goodness that is within the sacred place. My heart. And I know that quality of basic goodness is within all beings. The ability to learn, to grow, to rise above where we have been. And through the steady stream of my unseen tears, I can smile now. I am thankful for the journey.

I am thankful for my life.