I find myself intentionally preparing for my death. (9/10/20)

No, I do not plan on dying anytime soon and in fact I am beginning the visioning of what my life might be like for the next 20 – 25 years.

But, death has been on my mind frequently through my life, especially the last three years as I began living with this constant intractable chronic migraine, and found myself contemplating suicide for the first time since I was a teenager (My family saved me and gave me the strength to live on Still I wonder if I can survive this migraine if I lose my healthcare and medication before it is healed or if my pain escalates to more consistent unbearable levels.).

I have lost many loved ones and friends over the last few decades, many of them my age or younger, and I realize that we often cannot choose the time and way we Pass Over. It really could happen at any time and I am feeling a growing sense of urgency to figure out what I need to do before I die so that I may Pass Over with as much dignity, peace, and grace as possible.

My parents are personal mentors on the journey of intentionally preparing for my Passing Over. They both lived adventurous lives full of excitement, drama and trauma, separately and together.  Their decisions about our family caused me great pain but led me to the important journey of forgiveness.

My father Passed Over at 88 on Thanksgiving Day 2016 (and my daughters 13th birthday) basically of health complications with old age. A few years before he Passed he was able to write a detailed autobiography for our family and select friends. In In the year before his Passing, when he knew it was coming, my father told us something like; “Death is an important part of life. You have not fully lived your life until you have met your death. Do not grieve for me. Celebrate my death as part of my life.” He also provided detailed instructions on what to do with his body and memorial.

My mother Passed Over on January 14, 2001, just 15 days shy of her 74 birthday, from Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis which she had been diagnosed with 3 years before. At the moment of my mothers Passing Over I was reading out loud a poem about death that my mom wrote and she took her final tortured breath as I reached the line that read something like; “No one can die your death for you. You are the only one who can die your own death.”

I have lived an exciting, traumatic, adventurous, joyful, painful whirlwind of a life. I realized this past year that I have never really had the chance to relax and just be. I understand that I have been this time as a gift, in a sense, (I mean I really would not rather not have this constant intense pain in my head) as I have been officially recognized as living with a disability by the federal government and am receiving SSDI support that is providing my family with some economic stability, at least for the next couple of years.

My doctors and therapist all encourage me to do as little as possible that is not related to healing from my migraine. Since the migraine always escalates with tension, stress, too much screen time and fatigue, they want me to take care of our family’s daily needs but not much more.

That is an impossible task for me as I feel the weight of these times and the unknown future and I see so many people, myself and family members included, struggling to survive and maintain stability in this chaos. There is so much suffering in the world, and I know it is going to get worse as our climate crisis intensifies forcing mass migrations and struggle for resources, that sometimes it feels unbearable. I cannot just sit ideally, I have to Do and Create and Participate. I am moving ploddingly slow these days, and I only can only handle 2-3 hours of computer time a day, so I am trying to be as patient and understanding with myself as possible.

I am interested to hear anyone else’s thoughts on this subject. If you have read this far you are probably someone that is important to me. Peace and love to you all!

Here is my current evolving list of some writing and tasks I hope to accomplish in the next 12 - 18 months as I prepare intentionally for my Passing Over:

• A database chronology, first of my life so, and then for my larger family including my parents and brothers and their families, so that each year has a collection of important people, events, stories and memories, digitalized photos, videos and other artifacts that I have collected or created.

• Beginning to shape and fill in my life’s written story divided into 4 parts:

  • My youth - growing up in and surviving a cult (0-22);

  • On the road and my radical activist years (22 – 37);

  • Becoming a family and ACLU of Utah years (38-54);

  • Living with a constant intractable chronic migraine. (53-)

• Bullet point takeaways, statistics and major lessons, from my life.

• What I believe: what I take a stand and a knee for. (Divided into Global, National, Local, Political, Spiritual, Personal)

• Why I believe, based upon my life experiences, that systemic racism is real, and why I, despite all of the trauma and economic hardships I have experienced, believe I am living al life of white privilege.

• Making a list of all of the important people in my life divided into: Family; Close friends; Intimate relationships (not always sexual); Teachers and mentors; Colleagues; Others who touched my life in different ways; All of the people I know that have passed over; All of the people that I know of who I need to reach out to,

• Reaching out to and communicating with all of the people I have hurt to make amends (if I can) for any pain and trauma I created through my actions and words. (This is one of my more important tasks.)

• Reaching out to and communicating with all of the people who have been a significant part of my life. (I currently estimate that this list will be at least 100, and I hope to contact 2-3 people a week.)

• Creating a Vision Statement or Mission Statement for this next phase of my life.

• Editing and adding to “Thankfulness,” an evolving poem I began I began in 1987 on Thanksgiving Day.

• Rewriting “One Morning Before the Gates of Hell,” a short story I completed in 1994 about a radical nonviolent direct action that I participated in.

• Creating a list of some of my life stories that could evolve into a collection of short stories based upon my real life experiences.

• My life in what some people consider to be cults: The Ecumenical Institute, known internally as The Order (1967-1984); The Community for Creative Non Violence (1986-1987, when Mitch Snyder was alive.); The International Vipassana Meditation Society (1988-1990, When S.N. Goenka was alive); The Shundahai Network (1995-2007, when Corbin Harney was alive.)

• Digitally collecting all of my early photographs, artwork, poems and writing, that I can and reproducing some that have been lost.

• My Medical Directive and last wishes. (I don’t think I have enough resources to warrant a will.)

• Letters to my daughter, wife, brothers, and other close friends to be opened on my Passing.

• What it means to me to be a parent in the climate crisis and looming economic and political upheavals.

• My life experiences with Corbin Harney, a Western Shoshone Elder and Spiritual Leader. (1989 – 2005, he passed over in 2007.)

• My vision of my ideal Passing Over experience.

• Preparing for my daughters high school graduation in 1.5 years and helping her plan the next steps on her life's journey and be prepared to support her in any way I can.

• Downsizing and preparing to move (in a couple of years) into a smaller affordable apartment - perhaps relocating from SLC.

• Purchasing a used van that I can convert into a cozy living space that will allow Jenni and I to explore the country, connect with old friends, and possibly live in if economic emergencies arise.